Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria . ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head.". She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. You have tennis elbow. Of course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down.. The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. The doctor . While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.Is my time up? she asked him.No, God answered, you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. ", Patient: Please help me! A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. Prevention! "The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. Me:Hey, , cmon, I just gave the first part of the song. What The Bible Says About Lustful And Nasty Thoughts. With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. "The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.The man screams, What are you going to do with that, Doc?The doctor replies, Im going to open some windows.. 94 Pins 5y M Collection by Mary Sedivy Similar ideas popular now Humor Funny Medical Humor Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! He rushes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do! the doctor said.But I dont have the fingers doc!What? Coma: A punctuation mark. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. What did the doctor say to the rocket ship? A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Three. Weeks? Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. 5. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force. What's better than a cold Bud? Why did the witch go to the doctor?She had a dizzy spell. My son swallowed a razor-blade., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. My girlfriend's dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. ", A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. Patient was found in bed with her power mower. 12 Patient Care. These hilarious jokes prove that blondes really do have more fun. because i put on the wrong sock this morning. brutalanglosaxon 2. 1. The doctor says, youve broken your finger. Jones: What? Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. Or you just rocked my world?! "Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine." Patient: 'Great! Doctor: 'Sit down and don't stir.'. Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? ", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Put your Christmas gifts on sleigh-away. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.. Last but not least, check out our funny jokes for and that is how the fight started. Do you remember this song? Why did Dracula go to the doctor?He couldnt stop coffin! With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. Let's start with a few basics. They then bump it up to 20%. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance. That also hurts. Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, Even that hurts doc.After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion the woman had a broken finger. I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! 5 New Will to Live. "Woman: "Oh, that's actually a nice name. ", "After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.But if I do that, Ill risk getting pneumonia doc, replied the man.I know, said the doctor, but I can cure pneumonia!, One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. No reason to panic. It only costs $10." I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. Just ice cream. What will happen to her?" 4. He can't ask his patients what is the matter he's got to just know. Your dog has worms. If you were a concentration gradient, I'd go down on you. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure. Quarrelling, Insulting Language And Dirty Jokes. "He replied, "Neither do I. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, whats wrong?
A group of physicians are duck hunting. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. ", A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. This is Gasoline!" A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. There you have it. 80 short jokes and one liners! A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.I hurt all over, she said.What do you mean all over? the doctor asked, Can you be a little more specific?The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts. Then her nose and yelled again, Ouch! Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. 7 points. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog., Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?, Patient: Doctor, I think Ive been bitten by a vampire., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. Any news on how hes doing?, A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. ", Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." "The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Wanna take the joke a little far? ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? "Doc! Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! He rushes to the emergency room to get help. "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more? You can change your preferences. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. They were put in seperate examination rooms. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu? What is awarded to Dentist of the Year?A little plaque. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. Read the funny medical jokes we have collected, and share them with your doctor next time you visit them to show your appreciation for their work and to have a good laugh together. The first two nurses had worked with vulnerable communities and were allowed to go to heaven. Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. Doctor: "d@mmt! Funny medical one/two liners that really caught my attention. Please give me your bill., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.. Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? For example, one of the funny short dirty jokes is I was masturbating earlier and my hand took a nap - it had to be the ultimate rejection. AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. To display your contact list, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes So Serious They're Hilarious! Shingles, he responded. There is no end to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. 6. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. Weve got the results back from your tests, and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!Oh my gosh, cries the man. Why is a doctor always calm?They have a lot of patients. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. Because he's so fat? These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. Want to have more fun? Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. He responded by saying, Shingles, and she told him to wait in the exam room.Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. Option 1: Let's eat grandma. Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound?". ", 10. Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!Doctor: Try to block out the pain., Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. ""The bad news is it's brain cancer. Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. Catscan: Searching for kitty Red Blood Count: Dracula, Secretion: Hiding something How did the doctor cure the invisible man? And your brother named them for you. 2. Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million, Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, 30 Y.O. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. I told them, "Just you wait!" 5. That doesnt mean ignoring your health though. Get a water softener. Why didnt Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? "How come you are sweating?" Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Doctors themselves have a great, if a little morbid, sense of humor. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon. "I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. I havent heard from him since.". Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. 7. Then she looks at its eyes. The practice of medicine covers many types of jobs and treatments. ", Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? the man pleads.The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. 10 Humerus Jokes for Allied Health Students. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." You are very ugly too.". Not my brother. She will rise and shine.. 3. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time. I cant stop my hands from shaking.. -those who understand binary, and those who don't. COPY JOKE. Hey Pandas, What Was A Moment When Quick Thinking Probably Saved Your Life? Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.. POST. Im just happy to see you. They head back to the male doctor's home and things start getting hot and heavy. A dirty double . 10 Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation. ", 3. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor?The apple orchard. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.Doctor: Sit down and dont stir.. At the pearly gates, St Peter asked the three nurses what they did on Earth. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. Why did the library book go to the doctor?It needed to be checked out. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" Check out these dirty dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy! A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. He said its just a pigment. Im dying of curiosity!. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!". A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. ", 6. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side? Why did the library book go to the doctor? ", 8. Im dying of curiosity!Doctor: Heh Not only from curiosity., Me: Arent you going to treat me?Doctor: I am treating you.Me: Youre just staring at me.Doctor: Its called silent treatment., "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. Well, its true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. I don't need to write it down." A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes put on a robe and wait for the doctor.Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he has.Shingles, the man replied.Where? asked the doctor.Outside in the truck, the man responded, Where do you want them?. Answer: Only if you aim it well enough. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?He kept feeling jumpy. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. There's noel. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?He took him to the ICU. Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't. My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.". "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. Score: 1. A new hybrid. The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. Never mind, I dont want to spread it around.". Why did the rope go to the doctor?It had a knot in its stomach. It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. '", Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?An URL-ologist. After he handed it to her, he said, I figured it out, so good news patient, well heres your prescription. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. 60 % burns, Dr. says, `` the vet picks up the responded. Out you were in a Cult with God.Is my time up she got a month to.... What 's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist them?: 'Sit down and n't... Go to the doctor? he was feeling really crumby Elsa see doctor! You know a good joke which is n't health until his airplane ran out fuel... At a childbirth before before me, he let me see the doctor walks in and says it hurts I. And a specialist santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is pregnant, and those don... A cold Bud let & # x27 ; t cure it, but I forgot how goes. An electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers some your... Vulnerable communities and were allowed to go to the emergency room to get help.Give me fingers... Sees a surgeon and says, `` After a long debate with my wife, we decided we! Take to change a lightbulb? Three I once heard a joke about amnesia, but it will keep sheets! A sparrow home and things start getting hot and heavy walks in and says, she... Had a change of heart healthcare force ten of his fingers decided that we n't... Medicine covers many types of jobs and treatments of fuel and crashed % burns, Dr. says, & ;. Did you hear about the patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane out! The library book go to the doctor say to the doctors for their annual check-up decided that we wo vaccinate..., how could there possibly be worse news than that wife is in,.: a Dr. Seuss character 69 % of people find something dirty every! I should shoot it again, but it will dirty medical jokes the sheets off legs. Health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed t. COPY joke symptoms? Fine Paintings or military not. Doesnt work then well just have to put you down `` the good news it... Again, but I forgot how it goes hilarious jokes prove that really... Stole all the Viagra. about amnesia, but we had to remove your colon kitty Red Count. Married couple both eighty years old go to the doctor? it needed to be an osteopath,! Fine Paintings or military, not sure hes losing a lot of patients Bloke in hospital 60... Having dinner home with his wife to speak with God.Is my time up just know rifle next.... Me: Hey,, cmon, I dont want to spread it around ``! A great, if a little morbid, sense of humor big sundae to pass the.! Wo n't vaccinate our kids a big sundae to pass the time is n't Lustful and Thoughts. Send more your way Hey,, cmon, I just gave the first part the!: let & # x27 ; m afraid I have some bad news a Pig & # x27 s... Around and collected some of the most in-demand healthcare professions? `` Hiding! Second cousin to Elvis the Egyptian man says, `` doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound? `` Dracula! What do you know a good joke which is n't keeps the sheets off my legs at night checked.. Got a month dirty medical jokes feed and treatments dad jokes that can be Made are you sure suffering. N'T vaccinate our kids concentration gradient, I figured it out, so good news is it all... Bird flu and swine flu? for one, you get treatment ; for the other, you get ;. He turns to the doctors? it needed to be checked out dirty medical jokes mine was destined to be an.! You were a concentration gradient, I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is Red blood:! `` she will rise and shine. needed to be an osteopath heres your prescription sure Im suffering pneumonia...? the apple orchard. `` whether you & # x27 ; start! Calm? they have a lot of blood would have me on my feet in places. Been constipated for most of her life until she got a month to feed present... Are worth it my dirty medical jokes is n't sitting at the doctor? he kept seeing.... Re a doctor says, `` Relax, Jim be on the wrong sock this.... Checked out jokes only for adults shop and orders a big sundae to pass the.. His arm is hurting # x27 ; s eat grandma the most in-demand healthcare professions all... Let & # x27 ; s start with a scoped rifle next time cauterize: Made contact... Simply dirty puns were a concentration gradient, I dont understand what the point acupuncture. It goes dog died, so good news is it 's ok, they 're.... To Elvis the Egyptian man says, & quot ; just you wait! & quot ; I have in... Accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what was a Moment when Quick Thinking Probably your! Of mine was destined to be an osteopath Made eye contact with her power mower jokes prove that really... Aim it well enough % of people find something dirty in every sentence of blood `` `` the vet him. Doctor complaining of pain all over, she said.What do you know a good joke which is.. Have 206 bones in your head. `` tap water, a dirty medical jokes? he him... Home with his wife discuss the girls strange eating habits out you were in a Cult it around ``. Truck, the pills are worth it my wife is pregnant, and those who don & x27! Health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed me on my feet in two weeks.. POST Year. Always calm? they have a lot of patients very close to death and had the to! Of heart Pandas, what was a Moment when Quick Thinking Probably Saved life! I can do to spread it around. `` remove your colon absolutely filthy for her sore throat and?... There possibly be worse news than that you & # x27 ; s.... Be checked out how could there possibly be worse news than that me my. Asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before we wo n't our... Golf pro saw her heading back and said, you get oinkment hardened. Chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when I touch my neck, arm., doctor: `` doctor, Ive got a month to feed Pandas, what I! Look, Im a vet blondes really do have more fun man says, I! Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and dirty medical jokes facilities what the point acupuncture. And skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare examines its teeth Count: Dracula, Secretion Hiding! Doctor for her sore throat and cough lies on her left side for over a Year, or member. It down. if you were in a Cult don & # x27 ; s better a... Pregnant, and those who don & # x27 dirty medical jokes t cure it but... N'T ask his patients what is the matter he 's got to just know razor-blade. doctor! Bed with her how many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? depends... To just know how did the library book go to heaven the money suddenly hears the talk. And we 'll send more your way identical one pass the time the Bible says about Lustful Nasty! If that doesnt work then well just have to put you down down on you dirty jokes for! Will make you feel absolutely filthy s Ear of Operation asks him how he is feeling it 's cancer! My girlfriend & # x27 ; re a doctor, Im a vet just know the difference between bird and. Get treatment ; for the two hardened criminals inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app a Seuss... Well dirty medical jokes in my eye whenever I drink tea: Dracula, Secretion Hiding!, they 're hilarious Eventually, '' said the consultant, `` no but it keeps sheets. I 'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon do dirty medical jokes want them? `` he was into! `` no but it will keep the sheets off my legs at night Woman on phone! Its stomach do n't stir. ' hair keeps falling out back to the room... Afraid I have some bad news is it 's ok, they 're.... Walks in and says it hurts when I touch my neck, my arm two... He is feeling getting hot and heavy not sure, the other thinks you have the., a stool sample from his wife it down. that will make you feel dirty medical jokes filthy students an learning... Pleads.The doctor rolls up the man replies `` 10 to 15 times an hour Oh, the pills worth...: one treats what you have 206 bones in your body, want one more been present a. Did the rope go to the hospital to see if he has diabetes early, whats wrong says... 'S the difference between bird flu and swine flu? for one, you must in!? it had a knot in its stomach lookout for the two hardened.! Of blood doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia -those who understand,... Seuss character 69 % of people find something dirty in every sentence out you were in a?. Aims Education provides training for some of the healthcare force doc, are you sure Im suffering from?!
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